The Shinobi's Guide to Sentai
by Kaori
Summary: The crack! It burns! Shinobi's Guide number eight gives homage to cheesy Japanese import TV. Parodies include Godzilla, Super Sentai, every magical girl anime you've ever seen, and some mecha anime just for the heck of it.
1. Chapter 1

"No! Bad Boonata! It's not your destiny to fight back and have self-confidence! You're destined to cut yourself over some guy you'll never have 'cause you're overweight and ugly, then overdose on Advil!"

-Booji, Supah Nario Bros. #141

The Shinobi's Guide to Sentai  
By Kaori

Warning: References from various sentai (Power Rangers, Gekigangar, Daitenzen et al), magical girl shows (Sailor Moon, Pretty Sammy, Puni Puni Poemi), and kaiju/kaijin (Godzilla) shows and movies abound. Also, the author had WAY too much fun writing this.

Creative Credit to: the writers at Bandai and Saban, Koshi Rikudo, and Seventh Sanctum for giving me the idea in the first place.

"You can't run from us forever Kamen (1)!" yelled a ninja dressed completely in gray and wielding what appeared to be a rapier. "Surrender the Kaiju Scroll!"

"There is no way I'd let the likes of you get your hands on this scroll!" he turned around in mid-air to face his pursuer. "Take this! Star Flaming Fusion!"

There was an earth-shaking, multi-hued, smoky explosion (2) followed by the screams of the gray-clad antagonist. Kamen landed on the ground gracefully and struck a pose (2) before continuing on his way.

Gai and his team were practicing in the forest nearby when they felt the ground shake.

"An earthquake?" TenTen wondered.

"No," Neji said, Byakugan already active. "someone is coming."

Twenty seconds later, a man with spiky (3) blue hair stumbled out of the bushes. He was wearing a red shirt, white gloves, black pants, and red ninja shoes. A large scroll was strapped to his back. He stood up quickly and then locked eyes with Gai. "Help me! Please!"

Before anyone could answer him seven men dressed completely in gray dropped out of the trees. One of them, obviously the leader because he had a special crest on his forehead, stepped forward.

"Natsume Kamen of Altered Ninja Team Delta, give us the Kaiju Scroll or die!" he demanded.

"I'll never give the scroll to you, Dynascavenger scum!" spat Kamen. "Go lick your master's boots, Taka!"

Gai and Lee watched the exchange with stars in their eyes. Neji and TenTen were wondering where these weirdoes had come from and where were the jounin that were supposed to be patrolling the area.

"Have it your way Kamen. Dynascavengers…ATTACK!" The gray-clad men rushed at Kamen who struck a pose (right hand pointed in the air, left arm across his chest).

"Transformation: Shifting Reincarnation!" There was a bright flash of red light that lasted for about thirty seconds, during which the attackers stood frozen (4). Kamen was now dressed in red spandex, a red ninja hood and mask with a white sash around his waist and matching boots and gloves. The scroll was still strapped securely to his back and a ninja-to was sheathed on his left side. "I am Natsume Kamen: Delta Team's Red Dasher! You who would bring chaos and destruction into this world," he posed dramatically and pointed at the leader. "prepare to die!"

"Wow! He's so cool!" chorused Lee and Gai. Neji and TenTen rolled their eyes. Could this get any stupider?

_Yes. Yes it can. You'll find out how much stupider in the next chapter. Prepare yourselves! There will be action! Fight scenes! And horrendously cheesy dialogue! YAY!_

1) Kamen Rider XD

2) Every sentai show you've ever seen.

3) According to the rules of sentai the leader of the group (if animated) must have spiky hair.

4) Another rule of sentai shows (and anime by extension) is that you're not allowed to interrupt the heroes' transformation sequence.


	2. Chapter 2

Tonight's episode of Two Guys and a Crackhead will not be shown today so we can bring you this:

This Shinobi's Guide to Sentai  
By Kaori

"Tell me I'm not seeing this." Moaned Neji, covering his eyes and immediately felt stupid as he still had his Byakugan activated.

"You're not seeing this." Twitched TenTen.

"Liar."

"I know…"

Gai and lee stood nearby crying tears of joy and ranting about the Power of Youth overcoming all evil. Kamen and the Dynascavengers continued to fight, paying no mind to the spectators.

"Give up! You cannot win!" taunted Taka. "Just give me the scroll and you may live."

"NEVER! I'd die before I give the Kaiju Scroll to the likes of you!"

So be it! Staggering Darkness Attack!" a beam of dark energy emerged from the ground, striking Kamen and slamming him backwards into a tree.

"AAAGH!"

Hearing the pained cry of the red-clad hero, Gai ceased his current theatrics and launched into new ones.

"We must lend him our aid! Lee!" the younger bowl-head looked up at his sensei, who gave what he thought was a heroic pose but really it was just disturbing. "For the Springtime of Youth!" And he leapt into the fray.

"YOSH!" Lee's eyes had a fire in them that made Neji and TenTen flinch. "Come Neji, TenTen! Let us fight in the name of Youth!" And he joined the battle.

"Should we?" TenTen groaned. Neji grimaced.

"If we don't we'll never hear the end of it from Gai, and Lee will cry for months about "the demise of our youthful spirits"."

"Sometimes I hate when you're right."

"So do I."

Resigning themselves to their fate (Neji: Hey!) the two joined their sensei and teammate in their fight against the Dynascavengers.

"Pitiful fools! What can you do against one such as I?" scoffed Taka even as his minions were swiftly defeated. (1)

"Don't underestimate the power of youth!" Lee got into a familiar stance. "Take this! Konoha Senpuu!"

"What are you playing at?" the Dynascavenger leader seemed bored, lazily evading Lee's attack only to get hit by…

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!" yelled Gai, kicking Taka into a boulder.

"My face! How dare you!" seethed the general as he balled his left hand into a fist. "Sinister Cannon!" He punched the air in front of him and, to the surprise of the gathered shinobi, a black beam of energy shot out. Fortunately they were able to dodge but weren't able to get any closer to Taka.

TenTen tried using her ranged weapons only to have them shot at and disintegrated.

"We can't keep this up for much longer." Neji stated. "We need to find a way to get rid of this guy."

"How? We can't even get near him and my weapons won't reach him!" hissed TenTen.

"Believe in the power of youth!" said Gai. "Take heart, we will prevail!" Neji was about to say that this wasn't the time for pep talks when he noticed something.

"Where'd Lee go?"

Lee had gone to the side of the battered Kamen, who had taken refuge in a nearby tree. During all the fighting everyone else had forgotten he was there.

"Kamen-san, tell me, how do we defeat this evil?"

"There is but one way…" coughed the masked one. "you and your two comrades…must unite your strength as one with the help of these…" he gave Lee three crystals, a green one, a pink one, and a clear one.

"But what do we do with them?"

"Do as I did…and try to look cool doing it…" and with that, he fainted. Leaving Lee to figure it out on his own.

Back with Gai-tachi, things were not looking too good. Taka had them within the range of his attack, and all they could do was duck and run.

"He must have an awful lot of chakra to pull this off." Panted TenTen.

"It's not chakra." Neji said. "I don't know what it is but it's not chakra." He jumped to the side as another blast rocketed past him.

"There must be something we can do!"

"NEJI! TENTEN!" Lee's called as he came bounding through the trees. "CATCH!" He tossed two objects at them that they caught and examined.

"WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE?" yelled TenTen, half-glaring at the pink crystal in her hand.

"FOLLOW MY LEAD!" He stood up straight on the tree branch. And as if the whole thing was rehearsed, Lee struck a supermodel pose and… "BRAVE BEAST REVOLUTION!"

"NO! It cannot be!" raged Taka as Lee was enveloped in a bright green light.

"The hell…" blinked Neji.

Once the light dissipated, Lee was wearing orange boots in place of his usual leg warmers and ninja sandals with an orange sash around his waist instead of a hitaite. The wrappings on his hands were replaced with orange gloves, and a green ninja hood covered his head so nothing but his eyes were visible. "The lotus blooms twice for those with the Power of Youth! I am Rock Lee!" Neji and TenTen stared at him in shock. Gai was crying tears of joy.

"Oh Lee! You're youthfulness has come to full term! I couldn't be more proud."

"Gai-sensei!" even though you couldn't really see his face all that well, you just _knew_ he was going to start crying.

"Don't start!" growled TenTen.

"Eh? What are you waiting for? Transform so we can defeat the evil with our youthful powers."

"There is no way I, as a proud member of the Hyuuga clan could demean myself in such a manner."

"But it's the only way!" whined Lee.

"…no."

"Whatever has happened to your youthful spirit?"

"Lee…"

"No. If that is how you truly feel, then I shall defeat this monster myself."

Said "monster" was nonchalantly picking his nose during the entire exchange. "Hmm? Oh you're done saying your goodbyes now?"

"You are the only one who will be leaving!" Lee declared. "Here I come!" He jumped off the limb he stood on and immediately blurred out of sight.

"He's fast…" murmured Taka right before getting kicked in the chest. "GWUAH!" He grabbed Lee's leg as he was thrown back by the force of the kick, and blasted the green ninja with dark energy.

"AAGH!"

"We have to help him! Lee's fast but that guy is stronger." Said TenTen.

"I am not posing." Groused Neji.

"You can't look silly for a few seconds to save your friend's life?" The two sat there glaring at ach other for what seemed like an eternity until...

"…we never mention this again. EVER." sighed Neji.

"Trust me, I'm with you on that." TenTen agreed.

Both stood up and…

"DIVINE MYSTIC CONVERTER!" called Neji.

"SHOOTING TRASMUTATION!" TenTen yelled.

Both were enveloped in a white and pink light respectively.

"Ugh…why did it have to be _spandex_? (2)" groaned Neji once the light faded. Neji ws dressed completely in white, with the exception of a black sash around his waist. His boots and gloves also had a black circle around the wrists and ankles.

TenTen's outfit was mostly pink but there were silver accents down the sides, and her sash was also silver.

"NEJI! TENTEN! AT LAST YOU HAVE EMBRACED THE SPIRIT OF YOUTH!" Gai cried from the sidelines.

"Oh do shut up…" growled Taka, blasting the jounin into the bushes. Bad move on his part.

"No one…" growled Neji.

"…and we mean no one…." TenTen's voice was equally as cold.

"…hits Gai-sensei!" Lee chimed in.

"THAT PLEASURE IS RESERVED FOR ME!" roared Neji. And the three of them attacked in unison.

"TRI-CANNON FLASH ASSAULT!"

A spiraling blast of energy shot out of their hands, twisting towards the Dynascavenger's shocked form, converging before it reached him.

"NOOOOOOOO!"

KABOOM! The world was bathed in white, pink, and green light (3). And Taka exploded in a shower of…well, let's just say it wasn't candy.

Once the dirt had settled and they were all certain that there was no further danger, the group gathered around Kamen, who had regained consciousness.

"Thank you friends." He said sincerely. "If not for you help they would have surely taken this scroll from me."

"What is so important about that scroll anyway?" TenTen asked.

"It's the Kaiju scroll." Kamen explained. "Many centuries ago, fearsome giant beasts controlled by an evil sorcerer roamed the land causing destruction, terror, and an increase in insurance premiums. It was a terrible time when no one was safe and people often died by being stepped on. Then one day, a band of ninjas appeared and one by one sealed them all into this scroll. With the monstersout of the way the wizard was easily disposed of.

The scroll was lost for five hundred years before being found by a small child. Unwittingly he released the monsters back into the world. Having been sealed so long, their power was weakened so most of them were easily recaptured. All but four of the most powerful that is; Antra of the Lightning, Gihra of the Wind, Timog of the Flame, and Morasa of the Deluge are still out there somewhere but asleep."

"So why did those guys want the scroll?" Lee asked.

"Isn't it obvious?" snorted Neji. "They are going to release the monsters and use them to take over the world."

"Is that true?"

"Not exactly. They don't want all the monsters in the scroll just one. The most powerful monster in the scroll: Raherod of the Void. Raherod has the power to control all the other monsters. If they summon him and bring him under their control, nothing will stop them from ruling the world."

"Couldn't they just go after the four weaker monsters?" TenTen asked. Kamen shook his head.

"The other four only listen to Raherod or one bearing his mark, and Raherod is bound by the power of the scroll to obey whoever summons him. Raherod's appearance would wake the four sleeping monsters and then, everyone's insurance will go up again."

"How horrible." Shuddered Lee.

"Yes. But all is not lost. I shall entrust the guardianship of this scroll to you now." Said Kamen. "You have proven yourselves to be capable of the task."

"Uh uh. No way. I'm not running around in this getup for the rest of my life." Neji protested.

"But Neji, you look so cool!" (Lee obviously)

"I am not going to last much longer. My injuries are too severe. If you won't take the scroll then the Dynascavengers will and then everyone in the world will be in danger of death by flattening."

"…very well."

"YATTA!" cheered Lee.

"Thank you." Coughed Kamen. "I leave it all…to you…" And he was still.

"I guess this is ours now." Sighed TenTen, picking up the scroll. She shrieked when Kamen's hand suddenly grabbed her arm.

"Remember!" he gasped. "To never give up and to believe in yourselves!" And he fell back once more.

"Right…guess we…" Neji started but was cut off by the not-quite-dead-yet Kamen.

"Did I mention that only you can save the world from a fate most dire?"

"Yes, will you just die already?" glared the Hyuuga. Kamen once again fell back.

"Geez…"

"One more thing…" He didn't get to say anything more as Neji jyuukened him into the ground.

"AND STAY DEAD!"

_The cheesiness continues next chapter when Konohamaru manages to get his dirty little hands on the scroll. How? You'll have to wait and see._

1) It is a rule of sentai that the minions can be taken down by anyone with a decent amount of martial arts skills, but their leader can only be defeated by sentai members.

2) Sentai dress code demands that the sentai heroes MUST where body-hugging spandex suits!

3) This shouldn't be possible but work with me here.


	3. Chapter 3

"I will defeat you…with my naked!"

- Joel Dawson, "Bonus Stage"

Okay, I need to clear something up before I go on to the story as a number of you seem to be confused. This is _not_ a magical girl parody (although there will be a magical girl in the story) it's a sentai parody.

Sentai translates best to task force in English, but as to what it _is_ exactly… If you've ever seen Power Rangers, VR Troopers, Kamen Rider, Big Bad Beetleborgs, or Shinesman; those are all sentai shows. The basic formula for a sentai show is no less than three and no more than six young people are all that stands between the world and the forces of darkness. The sentai hero in red is almost always the leader and always gets all the cool stuff.

The Shinobi's Guide to Sentai  
By Kaori

Team Gai (sans Gai who was resting comfortably in the hospital), were enjoying a snack of tea, dango, and mochi under a tree, the Kaiju scroll was propped up against it.

"Lee, de-transform already." Glared Neji. "You can't go into the village looking like that you'll attract unnecessary attention."

"But I look so cool!" whined Lee.

"I don't care how cool you think you look, change back to normal or I'll jyuuken you into the next millennium."

"…that's not very youthful Neji."

"Lee…"

"(sigh.) Deactivate." A brief flash of green and Lee was pouting in his usual attire. TenTen, ignored both of her teammates in favor of drinking her tea. She was just glad that nobody important saw her in that ridiculous getup.

"Aah." She sighed, reaching for the kettle to pour herself another cup. She just happened to glance over at the tree and almost dropped the hot kettle. "Uh guys…where is the scroll?"

"Okay! I found one!" Konohamaru cheered, holding a scroll that was taller than he was over his head. "Now we can play ninja."

"That's a really big scroll. Where did you get it?" sniffed Udon.

"It was just lying under a tree."

"It looks important." Moegi said. "Are you sure we should play ninja with this?"

"If it was really important it wouldn't be lying around out in the open." Konohamaru reasoned. "Besides, I looked at it. All it's got are pictures of monsters in it."

"I have a bad feeling about this."

"If you don't want to play ninja just say so."

"No, that's not it at all! It's just that…I…Mmnnh." Moegi gave up. "Never mind let's just play."

Back at the tree, Neji and company were freaking out.

"You don't think it was those gray idiots again do you?" TenTen asked, frantically searching the bushes with Lee while Neji used his byakugan to see if the scroll had rolled off somewhere.

"We would have noticed them, they seem the type that enjoy theatrics and announcing their presence in loud voices. Someone else must have taken it."

"Whoever it was is either really good at hiding their chakra, or has such an insignificant amount of chakra that we didn't notice them."

With the Konohamaru Corp….

"Ha ha! Take this! Ceiling Tile Shuriken no Jutsu!" Konohamru threw a couple of books at Udon who jumped out of the way.

"Ouch!" yelped Moegi, as one of the text books hit her in the head.

"Sorry Moegi!"

"How come I have to be the evil ninja!" whined the be-spectacled child. "And why are you using my textbooks?"

"Because you lost at janken and I didn't bring mine." snapped Konohamaru. "And now, I the brave, super ninja Konohamaru will use my super summoning scroll and rescue the princess!" he unraveled the scroll. Having seen other ninjas use summoning scrolls a few times, he placed his hand on a random picture. "Kai!"

There was a loud explosion, the area was filled with smoke, and a loud roar sounded throughout the village.

A long tail was the first thing that could be discerned as the smoke cleared, then a massive, serpentine head, and finally a gigantic body with leathery wings stretched towards the sun.

"DRAGON!" somebody screamed. And soon the entire village was thrown into a panic.

"Mayhem and bedlam in the village…" groaned the Hokage. "and you're sure Naruto isn't responsible?"

"Kakashi shook his head. He's been on top of the Yondaime's head almost all day trying to figure out how to do the rasengan with just one hand. Besides, where would he get his hands on a dragon?"

"I wouldn't put anything past him. Remember, he found the onbu (1) and everyone thought those were just a myth." Tsunade pointed out. "But if he's been on top of the monument all day then this could be an attack of some sort."

"IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!" an old man (who looked more like a misshapen orangutan) suddenly kicked the door in, startling both ninjas. Tsunade immediately chucked her "in" tray at him, smacking the intruder right in the face. Amazingly the old man was able to jump up and run over to her desk as if nothing had happened.

"I have seen it! The arrival of the dragon portends the end of the world!"

"Jiromaru-san, everything portends the end of the world as far as you're concerned." Kakashi said.

"You know this…man?" glared Tsuande.

"Unfortunately. He's almost always screaming how everything "portends the end of the world"."

"It does!" snapped Jiromaru. He was dutifully ignored.

"Good, then you can get him out of my office."

"(sigh.) Hai, Hokage-sama. Come along Jiromaru-san, I'm sure your grandson is looking for you."

"But the prophecy…" protested the elderly man.

"Don't worry, those things tend to work themselves out."

Outside…

"Wow that's a big dragon." TenTen commented as she and her teammates stood on top of the village gates.

"It must of come from the scroll." Neji massaged his temples in irritation. "And since it came from the scroll it is now, unfortunately our business."

"Yosh! We must protect the village with the Power of Youth bestowed to us by Kamen-san!" Lee was quivering with excitement. He struck a pose. "BRAVE BEAST REVOLUTION!" A brief flash of green and… "I am…" he saluted. "Konoha's Green Beast reborn! Super Shinobi Green! Rock Lee!" And before either TenTen or Neji could stop him, he was gone.

"Dammit!" cursed Neji. "Doesn't he realize that we need to find that scroll? I'm going to continue searching for it, you follow Lee and make sure he stays out of trouble."

"Okay." Nodded TenTen. Then she grimaced. "I don't want anyone to think I have anything to do with this mess, so If I don't want to be recognized…" she struck a supermodel pose. "SHOOTING TRANSFORMATION!" A flash of pink light and… "Super Shinobi Pink!" She whapped herself on the forehead. "What did I say that for?" (2)

"Don't worry about that now, just get after Lee." Neji said. TenTen gave him a sarcastic salute and bounded off.

In the village proper, Lee was attempting to fight the dragon but was failing miserably. After all, the thing was at least as tall as the Hokage Tower and here he was trying to kick it.

"Le… Errr… I mean… S Green I've come to help!"

"AAAH TE…" TenTen hit him.

"Don't call me by my real name! People don't need to know who we are!" she hissed.

"Oh…Oh! I see! We're superheroes now so we need to keep our true identities a secret! How clever of you to think of that TenTen!"

That wasn't the reason she had in mind but it would do if Lee wouldn't give them away.

_Zounds! Gadzooks! And other dated exclamations! Lee and TenTen figure out that they can't fight the dragon the way they are now. Luckily for them, assistance comes from on high but will it be enough? Neji finds Konohamaru but can he reseal the monster before Konoha is flattened? And is Naruto going to sit on the Hokage monument all day like Nero watching Rome burn? The answer to at least one of these questions will be found in the next chapter! Hoo Yeah!_

1) Onbu should've been in the manga. He's so damn cute!

2) (snicker) The costume affects your mind and makes you think and act like a sentai member. Just watch, Neji will be spouting cheesy lines soon enough.


	4. Chapter 4

This chapter was delayed because I was playing Neverwinter Nights 2. Yes I am a gaming freak, what of it? Now put down your homework and come read this crackfic.

Additional A/N: Wow…I haven't mentioned Sasuke at all in this story. Weird.

The Shinobi's Guide to Sentai  
By Kaori

Naruto wasn't sure what to make of what he was seeing. A gigantic dragon was stomping through the city like a pissed off woman. He winced as yet another building toppled. This mess was going to be a bitch to fix. And as if this wasn't alarming enough, two colorful figures seemed to be agitating the monster even more. A decision needed to be made:

Go down there and find out what the hell is going on

OR

Stay on the Hokage Mountain and watch.

He made himself comfortable. The dragon was stomping around the merchant quarter and those guys were always rubbing Naruto the wrong way. Serves the jerks right. If they got near Ichiraku Ramen _then_ he'd do something.

"Watch out for the tail!" yelled TenTen, AKA Super Shinobi Pink. Lee, AKA Super Shinobi Green, dutifully jumped out of the way. The dragon roared and tried swiped at him with its claws only to hit a dango shop.

"NOOOOO!" wailed Anko, who was on her way there (no lousy dragon was going to keep her from her dango). "WHY GOD! WHY!"

Elsewhere, Nejj had located Konohamaru and his friends. Truthfully they weren't that hard to find even without the Byakugan. All you had to do was follow the path of destruction back to its point of origin. The three kindergarteners were still standing there in shocked silence. Neji looked at the trio, spotted the scroll lying open on the ground, put three and one together and came up with Konohamaru.

"YOOOOUU IDIOT!" Neji roared and punched Konohamaru into a wall. He got a mortified expression on his face when he realized what he had just done. "Oh dear kami I'm starting to turn into Gai-sensei…I've already got a spandex suit. Next thing you know it'll be bowl cuts…" he shuddered. "Pull yourself together! You are a Hyuuga! The awesomeness of our bloodline cannot be surmounted by any amount of spandex!"

"Umm…are you okay?" Moegi asked. Neji was starting to scare her.

"What? Oh, yes. (cough)" having regained his composure, the Hyuuga prodigy then proceeded to interrogate the wannabe ninjas.

The goggle-heads recounted the events as they happened. The trio wanted to play ninja but they didn't have anything to use as a scroll. Konohamaru went in search of one and came across the Kaiju scroll propped next to a tree not even noticing the three genin sitting in front of it; the boy has a one track mind. He schleps back to Udon and Moegi, pretends to summon something only to end up summoning a dragon for real which brings us to here and now.

"Mendokuse…" grumbled Neji. Somewhere in the Konoha Library, Shikamaru twitched in his sleep. Neji picked up the scroll and looked at it. "I don't know a thing about sealing things. TenTen might have some idea but she's…preoccupied. Dammit, what am I going to do?"

Back to TenTen and Lee who were wondering the exact same thing.

"This isn't working!" wailed TenTen, narrowly avoiding getting flattened.

"We must keep trying!" Lee panted. "Remember what Kamen-san said before Neji so viciously killed him!" TenTen rolled her eyes. Lee still hadn't forgiven Neji for killing Kamen two episodes ago.

"Episodes?" blinked TenTen. Where had that thought come from? The slight moment of distraction almost got her flattened. "Eeek!"

"All right, that's enough of that." An annoyed voice declared. Lee and TenTen turned around to see…absolutely nothing. Then they looked up.

Perched on a light pole and looking all the world like he belonged there was…

"Kamen-san!" cheered Lee.

"You're dead!" yelled TenTen.

"No, you merely think I'm dead."

"Liar!" (1)

"Kamen-san, please, how do we defeat this beast?" Lee pleaded.

"Surely I told you about the summoning animals before your friend killed me…"

"No, you neglected to mention that little bit of information." TenTen's left eye twitched. Dealing with Gai and Lee was bad enough, this idiot was even more irritating dead than alive. Plus, she was resisting the annoying urge to say "and don't call me Shirley."

"Oh. Well if you ever find yourself in the situation where you end up fighting one of the monsters from the scroll, you can use your crystal to summon an animal to aide you. Think of it like a shortcut summoning contract. And now, I must be going!"

"Wait! I thought you said you were going to help us!" wailed Lee.

"But I have." Blinked Kamen and just like that he was gone.

"What have we got to lose?" mumbled Lee, reaching into his shirt and pulling out the crystal. "I hope it is something youthful."

"With our luck it will be small, cute, and fuzzy." Groused TenTen, taking out her own crystal.

"Kuchiyose no Jutsu!" they chorused.

Two gigantic plumes of smoke surrounded the duo and they felt themselves rapidly gaining altitude. When the smoke cleared Lee was standing on the back of a giant, green flying, hot-springs turtle (2) and TenTen was on the head of a pink elephant. Half the drunks in the town gave up the bottle after that sight.

"Oi, oi, oi." Rumbled the elephant in a voice that sounded like an old gentleman. "What's all the racket and commotion about?"

"This dragon is trying to destroy our village! Please, help us!" pleaded Lee.

"Dragon?" echoed the hot-springs turtle. The dragon roared and kicked at him., he dodged. "Oh, that dragon. How did he get out? Oh well, no worries, we'll handle him, but do either of you have the Kaiju scroll on you?"

"Er, no, our friend is trying to find it." TenTen said.

"I suggest you go and find him then. We can weaken him, but it's all pointless unless we seal him back up again." Said the elephant. Not needing to be told twice, the two spandex-clad ninja sped off in search of their teammate. After he was certain the two were well out of the way, the elephant reared up. "Now you hooligan, let's see how well you do when the things you try to knock about hit back!"

Down in the streets people were running around in fear for their lives and property as the behemoths battled each other.

"We're all going to die!" a woman screamed.

"It's like the Kyuubi all over again!" screamed another one.

"We're not supposed to talk about that!" a man yelled.

"Sasuages inna bun!" (3) another man cried out.

"Dammit!" that yell was Hyuuga Neji. He was having no luck figuring out this scroll and all the people running around screaming about how they'd just bought new furniture wasn't helping. He had long since sent the Konohamaru Corps. on their way (preferably somewhere that wasn't about to be turned into a parking lot) and tried unsuccessfully to understand the sealing method used to imprison the monsters.

"Neji!" a familiar voice yelled. Super Shinobi Pink and Shinobi Green jumped down from one of the few undamaged buildings.

"I thought you were fighting the dragon."

"What are we supposed to do against something that big?" TenTen said, arms akimbo. "Anyway, Kamen showed up…"

"I thought I killed him."

"You did, and don't ask, that's not the important part. Those crystals he gave us aren't just for playing dress-up."

"Explain."

One quick explanation from Lee (well, if you omit all the proclamations on the power of youth anyway) and Neji was about ready to kill someone.

"Of all the idiotic…I'm going to have to transform for this aren't I?" growled the Hyuuga. Lee and TenTen nodded. "Fine…it seems the universe has conspired to make me take part in this farce. DIVINE MYSTIC CONVERTER!" A flash of bright, white light, a super playa pose and… "Super Shinobi White! (blink blink) DAMMIT! I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY THAT!"

"Just get on with it Neji." Sighed TenTen. She wanted this nonsense to be over already.

"Kuchiyose no Jutsu!"

"And there's another one…" muttered Naruto as another plume of smoke erupted and a gigantic, white cat appeared and assisted the elephant and the hot springs turtle. "I need popcorn or something…"

The summons battled the dragon back and forth as the populace continued to flee from the area. Buildings were crushed, streets were torn up, and several carts were turned into matchsticks. The Hokage watched the destruction from the top of the tower and sighed. The paperwork for this alone would take months to get through. "I need sake…"

"Onbu!"

"Dammit not again!" (4) she started dancing around trying to pry the Onbu off her back, even though in the back of her mind she knew this was futile.

The turtle tackled the dragon and the elephant and cat sat on it. If Neji and company were gong to do something now would be the time.

"White, grab that end of the scroll. Green you get the other end. When I say "now" let it go, okay?" TenTen said, her teammates nodded as she was flipping through handseals like crazy. The trio were standing on the buildings above the now incapacitated dragon, the scroll stretched across the street. "NOW!" Both boys released their ends and the scroll fell to the ground. "KAIJU FUIN!"

Tsunade turned around when it looked like a giant flashbulb had gone off. The buildings were completely repaired. "Eh? What the Hell?"

On the Hokage monument, Naruto was blinking rapidly. Why was he on the Hokage monument? Furthermore, why did he have the strange feeling he was forgetting something really interesting? (5)

_AHAHAHAHA! I have neurolized Konohagakure but it seems Onbu's little distraction caused Tsunade to miss out on it. How will this play out in the future? Only time will tell! Next chapter, the Dynascavengers attack, enter Super Shinobi Black! (Cool that rhymed!)_

1) Theme and variation on Team 7's shtick!

2) Love Hina!

3) Discworld reference. (snicker)

4) I couldn't resist and I needed to distract Tsunade from the next scene somehow. XD


	5. Chapter 5

"That does it. I'm a'murderin'."  
-Black Mage, 8-Bit Theater

The Shinobi's Guide to Sentai  
By Kaori

Life preceded as usual for the residents of Konohagakure no Sato. Tsunade, still not sure if it was the lack of booze in her system or the anticipation of booze in her system that was responsible, was trying to figure out why she was the only one who seemed to notice that the village had been in ruins for a full hour.

"Onbu!"

"Get off my back you fuzzy bastard!"

Not to mention the damn fuzz-bucket was still on her back.

"See anything yet?" TenTen asked.

"Nothing." Sighed Neji. "Gai-sensei and Lee just went to the other side of the house. Don't worry, if those vandals are still around we'll catch them."

"Don't you think it's strange that they break into people's houses but never take anything?"

"It is strange, but it could be that they are looking for something specific and don't know where to find it, or maybe they're spies. Still, if we're going to finish this mission we'll have to find them first. Who knows, it could just be bored kids."

Gai and Lee chose to make their appearance then.

"My youthful students, the villains who have committed this travesty have long since gone. Fret not, for we shall take up the trail upon the morrow!" Gai enthused.

"Great, another day wasted." Sighed Neji.

"Neji, Gai-sensei said not to fret! It is most unyouthful!" said Lee.

"…I'm going home."

The Hyuuga compound was quiet, but then again it was always quiet. It went against all decorum for their to be any indication that people actually lived here…well if you can call living in constant fear of having your brain scrambled or in fear of an uprising _living_. Sometimes Neji wondered what his life would have been like if he had been born into another clan. Such thoughts didn't last long as, with the Uchiha clan down to just two, there was no doubt as to which clan was the best.

"And yet I was beaten by a clanless ninja." Muttered Neji.

"Brooding again, Neji-_niichan_?" teased Hanabi, startling the Branch House Hyuuga. She'd been doing that a lot lately.

"Hanabi-sama. Shouldn't you be with your instructor?" Hanabi raised an eyebrow at him.

"It's Tuesday."

"Oh yes, that's right…" he was too tired to deal with this. "What is it that you want, Hanabi-sama?" She grinned eerily at him. And this is why, an hour later, Hinata found Neji sitting in Hanabi's room in a bonnet playing tea party (but that's a story for another day).

"Have you found it yet?" an impatient-looking man dressed entirely in gray asked his subordinate. Both were hiding in the shadows of an alleyway.

"No my Lord Reppa." The subordinate's voice was raspy and sibilant. "The search continues. I fear, though, that these simple shinobi are becoming suspicious of us."

"It does not matter. Once the Kaiju Scroll is in our possession none will be able to stand against the might of the Dynascavenger Empire!"

Both evil-doers shared a chorus of malevolent laughter that was interrupted by dirty water being tossed on their heads.

"Hey, don't throw the laundry water out the window, somebody could be down there." A male voice said above them.

"Don't be silly honey, there's nobody down there." A woman's voice drifted down to their ears. (1)

TenTen sighed as she sharpened her numerous swords, kama, and kunai. Really sometimes she wondered what possessed her to use so many different weapons. Then again the overall shock on the faces of the enemy when she was hurling a hundred weapons at them at high speed was worth it. She spared a glance at the Kaiju Scroll which was neatly propped up next to her nightstand.

It had been agreed after the incident with Konohamaru that one of they would take turns keeping an eye on the scroll. Today was TenTen's turn. Idly she wondered if this was what it was like guarding the forbidden scrolls in the Hokage's library. If so she didn't ever want to get stuck with that task; it was almost as bad as gate patrol.

Out in the village proper, Lee was getting in some extra training (i.e. running around like a frat boy on shrooms proclaiming that if he cannot do X amount of laps he'll do something even more outrageous and if he can't do that, well you know the drill). He was halfway into lap number one hundred and eighty-three when he bumped into something.

"Oh! Pardon me! In my youthful exuberance I did not see you standing there!" Lee apologized and then his eyes widened when he saw whom he bumped into. "AH! YOU!" A tall figure dressed entirely in gray and carrying a scimitar glared at him. "You're one of those unyouthful Dynascavengers!" he took up a ready stance. "What are you doing here?"

"You know of us?" growled the Dynascavenger. "Then you must also know of the scroll. Where is it? Tell me and I will spare your pathetic life!"

"I will not aid you on your quest of evil. Now prepare yourself!" and he transformed.

"Fool, you did not think I was here alone did you?" Six more Dynascavengers materialized, seemingly out of nowhere. "I will bring your fool hide before Lord Reppa and then we will loosen that tongue of yours!"

Out in a field of flowers, the spirit of Kamen was frantically trying to convince a young man to take a black crystal from him.

"Just because it's black does not mean it's evil!" whined the deceased man. "Just take it."

"No. I am not interested."

"Fine. Then I'll just follow you everywhere you go until you agree to take the crystal." The other man twitched. "And when I say everywhere I mean _everywhere_. When you go to sleep, I will be there. When you take a bath, I will be there. Do you have a girlfriend?"

"…no."

"Well with me around I'll make it my personal mission to make sure you never get near a woman! I will haunt you until the day you die until you agree to help your comrades!"

"My comrades are in danger?"

"Well at this moment one of them is. Didn't I mention that before?"

"No." All Kamen had done was introduce himself and try to foist the crystal on him. He held out his hand and Kamen beamed at him.

Lee was being knocked around like a ragdoll under the assault of the Dynascavengers. Fortunately for him, Neji and TenTen had shown up. Unfortunately for them, so had Lord Reppa and unlike the Dynascavenger general they'd fought before, this one was much stronger. Their Tri-cannon Flash Assault attack only managed to knock a chunk of his armor off, and they didn't think they'd get another chance to try it again.

"Lee, if we don't make it out of this alive," Neji panted. "I just want you to know…"

"Oh Neji, my rival, you don't need to say it…" the green-clad shinobi looked like he was about to cry.

"…that I blame you for this."

Lord Reppa approached, a slow, sinister smile on his reptilian face. "I shall enjoy killing you all." And he prepared to put in end to the three Super Shinobi. He was surprised when his halberd struck a dark-colored shield. "What?"

"You will not harm them." A calm voice said from above. Everyone looked up.

The newcomer was dressed similarly to Neji, except instead of white with black accents, his costume was black with white accents. You could not see his eyes at all due to the visor he was wearing.

"Who is that?" murmured TenTen as the black-clad Super Shinobi dropped down between them and Lord Reppa.

"Kamen must have roped someone else into this little misadventure." Sighed Neji. "Although I'm can't say I'm not grateful for the assistance."

"Who are you?" growled Lord Reppa.

"Super Shinobi Black." Was the answer given. "Leave now."

"I don't take orders from the likes of you! Die with the rest! Corroding Strike!" the halberd came down fast and hard but was once again blocked by the dark shield. It was now obvious who was controlling it as Super Shinobi Black struggled to counter the strike.

"Quickly, I cannot hold this for much longer."

"Hai!" chorused Lee, TenTen, and Neji (shock beyond shock). "TRI-CANNON FLASH ASSAULT!"

Super Shinobi Black leapt out of the way, narrowly avoiding being hit by the attack and launching one of his own. "…Blade Barrier." Crescent shaped blades surrounded the tri-cannon blast adding to its power and creating a drilling effect. Lord Reppa screamed as he was torn asunder. Once the smoke had cleared, Lee started jumping about.

"I think we'll call that one, Drill Cannon!"

"I think we will not." Glared Neji before turning to Super Shinobi Black. "Thank you for your help."

"A shinobi must assist their comrades, that is the rule." Nodded the S Black.

"Wait a minute, only one person in this whole village talks like that…".

"Oh so you know each other? I'm glad!" Kamen appeared out of nowhere causing Neji to reflexively jyuuken him. "Hey! If I wasn't already dead that would have killed me!" whined the specter.

"He said my comrades were in danger so I came to help." S-Black de-transformed.

"SHINO?" gasped Lee and TenTen.

_HA HA! I bet many of you thought it would be Shikamaru but no, Shino is the newest member to this crack(ed) team. Well, we've got four Super Shinobi so far, which means we are still officially missing two. Who will they be? We'll find out later, but…what's this? Someone has kidnapped the Hokage? How did they do it? What do they want? And who's that person in the fuku? These questions and more in the next episode!_

1) I was watching Ranma ½ when I wrote that part.


	6. Chapter 6

No you can't have a less humiliating adolescence. Not yours.

The Shinobi's Guide to Sentai

By Kaori

"I don't understand how you managed to get so horribly bruised." Stated the nurse as she looked Lee over. "These wounds aren't consistent with any jutsu or weapon I am familiar with…"

"Do rocks count?" TenTen asked hurriedly.

"Rocks? Well I suppose that would cause these pockmarks. Is that what happened?"

"Er…yes!" Neji said, before Lee could object. Lee couldn't lie properly to save his life. "It was part of a training exercise and things got a little out of hand." The nurse sighed.

"Well there's not much I can do but give you some cream to help the pain. The discoloration should clear up in a couple of days."

The trio left the hospital in fairly good spirits. That changed immediately when Kamen showed up.

"You dead bastard, what do you want now?" growled Neji.

"Why are you so mean to me?" Kamen cried crocodile tears. "Was killing me not enough now you have to torment my poor soul?"

"Me torment you? You're the one who keeps showing up when you're not wanted."

"And here I thought we were becoming such good friends."

"Friends? With you? I'd rather commit seppuku."

"Neji-kun! Your poetic ability astounds me!" cheered Lee. "Although I feel your subject matter leaves much to be desired."

"Indeed." Drawled Kamen. "Anyway, you should be thanking me for finding another super shinobi so quickly, although finding the next candidate is proving to be quite difficult…"

"_Next candidate_? How many more innocent people are you going to drag into this travesty?" Neji asked, venom in his voice. Kamen rubbed his chin, then reached into his pocket (baffling Neji and TenTen who didn't think dead people needed pockets) and took out a blue crystal and a red crystal.

"Just two I think."

"Bastard!" he made a grab for the crystals only to be restrained by TenTen and Lee.

"Neji, calm down you're going to cause a scene!" hissed TenTen.

"No, I'm pretty sure this is already a scene." Said Kamen.

"You're not helping."

"Sorry?" Kamen shrugged. "Being dead kind of makes it hard to care about other people's feelings properly. In fact, I find myself questioning why I became a Super Shinobi in the first place. I mean, yeah there are the cool powers and costume," Neji gagged at the word "costume". "but nobody ever recognizes all the good things I do! I mean, sure they don't know who I am but a little thanks would still be appreciated. Maybe an announcement on the news or…" He blinked as he realized that: 1) He was rambling and 2) Neji and TenTen had buggered off, leaving him alone with Lee.

"Fear not Kamen-san!" Lee declared. "I for one appreciate you and I will see your mission through… FOR THE SAKE OF YOUTH!" the last part was said with a dramatic pose and various lighting effects that brought tears to Kamen's eyes (whether of joy or from the blinding properties of the lights has yet to be determined.)

"Lee…"

"Kamen-san!"

"Lee!"

"Kamen-sam!"

"Lee!"

"Kamen-san!"

"Lee!"

"SHUT UP!" yelled Anko, apparently they'd been yelling right under he bedroom window. She dropped a refrigerator on them (well, Lee really).

"Ouch. That must have hurt." Said Kamen.

Elsewhere, Shizune was frantically looking for Tsunade. At first, she just assumed she'd ducked out on her paperwork to go drink again, but when she didn't find her in any of the bars she got worried. Unfortunately, she couldn't tell anyone. The amount of panic it would cause would be astronomical. Besides, a part of her wasn't fully convinced the Godaime wasn't just goofing off somewhere. Suddenly, a dark shadow fell over the village, and she looked up to see what appeared to be a flying castle.

"ATTENTION PEASANTS!" a loud, obnoxious voice (not Naruto) boomed throughout the village. "I, LORD MONTECUPTA OF THE ILLUSTRIOUS DYNASCAVENGER EMPIRE HAVE KIDNAPPED YOUR HOKAGE! UNLESS YOU RELINQUISH THE KAIJU SCROLL TO US WE WILL KILL…what? What do you mean I can't say "kill"? 4Kids is censoring us? Oh for the love of…ahem…AS I WAS SAYING, WE HAVE YOUR HOKAGE AND UNLESS YOU RELINQUISH THE KAIJU SCROLL WE WILL _DESTROY_ HER AND THEN SYSTEMATICALLY DESTROY THIS WRETCHED VILLAGE! YOU HAVE EXACTLY TWELVE HOURS TO COMPLY! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION!" There was the sound of feedback, followed by a moment of silence, and then the collective panicked screams of the general non-shinobi population. The flying castle then harmlessly shimmered out of existence.

Shino, who had been catching aphids as part of an experiment, sighed heavily at the end of the proclamation. It seems he was needed once more. He took out his crystal.

TenTen and Neji, who were halfway to the Hyuuga compound groaned. The universe was conspiring against them but it was either this or let the Hokage die at the hands of imbeciles. They, too reached for their crystals.

Lee, who had been dragged back to the hospital by Kia and Akamaru who were passing by during the announcement, was sobbing in his hospital bed. The medic-nins were able to heal his broken bones but they wouldn't release him until tomorrow afternoon.

"There, there Lee." Gai comforted his student. "You can be there in spirit, and nothings stopping you from transforming anyway. I'll even make sure nobody comes in while you're transformed."

"You are right Gai-sensei! Thank you!" he fished out his crystal. "BRAVE BEAST REVOLUTION!"

In the bushes outside an udon shop…

"DIVINE MYSTIC CONVERTER!"

"SHOOTING TRANSFORMATION!"

In the tall grass outside of Konoha…

"…henshin."

"Oh come on! You're supposed to yell something cool!" whined Kamen who had mysteriously popped up behind him.

"I will not." Said Super Shinobi Black.

Let's check in on Tsunade (and her onbu, which is almost fully grown now and giving the kidnappers a hard time)

"I thought I told you to tie them up!" whined Lord Montecupta. A gray clad foot soldier sighed.

"We did sir, but the creature just tore through them. We tried chains but the woman breaks them. We don't have anything else to restrain them with."

"Oooh…don't they know that they are our prisoners? They are supposed to sit and spit out idle threats while they await rescue!"

"What do you suggest we do, sir?"

"Do? Throw them down one of the pits until it's time to execute them."

"I thought we were going to let them go once we received the scroll."

"Are you sick? They are but peasants, we have no need to keep our word to the likes of them!" Lord Montecupta roared.

"Ah! Y…yes sir! Sorry sir!"

"So glad you see it my way. Now bring me a pudding cup. It is snacky time."

The ANBU had sprung into action seconds following the proclaiming of the Hokage's abduction. The village was on lockdown, no one in or out, as they searched for the perpetrators. Unfortunately, over the course of seven hours, they had come up with nada. They were also getting a little weirded out by the strange white, black, and pink streaks that kept showing up every time they stopped to investigate.

Shino, Neji, and TenTen were beginning to realize that following the ANBU wasn't getting them anywhere, but they had no other leads. They just had to assume that the Dynascavengers would return to either collect the ransom or destroy the village once the time limit was up. Sure enough, once the twelve hours was passed…

"TESTING…TESTING…IS THIS THING ON? IT IS? OH…AHEM…ATTENTION UNWASHED MASSES! I LORD MONTECUPTA…"

"HEY! I JUST HAD A BATH THIS MORNIGN! AKAMARU TOO!"

"…Kiba please." Kurenai hissed.

"AS I WAS SAYING!" Lord Montecupta was annoyed. "I LORD MONTECUPTA HAVE RETURNED! HAND OVER THE SCROLL OR BE DESTROYED WITH YOUR HOKAGE AND HER BEAST!"

"HOW ABOUT THE THIRD OPTION: YOU RETURN OUR HOKAGE AND WE KICK THE CRAP OUT OF YOU!" a new voice declared. Everyone's eyes immediately turned to the rooftops where Super Shinobi White, Pink, and Black stood in defiance of the invaders.

There was a sudden, violent explosion, and the Hokage (and the onbu) surrounded by thirteen figures (twelve in plain gray outfits, and one in an extravagant coat, stirrup pants and boots) appeared on the opposite roof. The latter figure was obviously Lord Montecupta.

"I demand to know who you are." The excessively garbed individual said.

"Our identities are not important." Proclaimed Super Shinobi White. "Leave now or suffer the consequences."

"I don't think you properly comprehend the situation." Chided Lord Montecupta. "I have your leader here…What? Where'd she go?" He looked around frantically as did his minions. The Super Shinobi were confused as well. Kamen chose that moment to appear.

"Did you have something to do with this?" Neji hissed at him.

"I'm as clueless as you are." Shrugged the dead bluenette.

"A hero emerges from the heavens to smite the wicked and protect the innocent! The Senshi of Ass Kicking!" Now everyone was looking at the flagpole in the nearby square...and the blonde girl in a fuku standing on top of it. Tsunade was hanging from her obi with the onbu gripping the flagpole with one of its paws. "I'm Sailor Dude and I'm gon' getchoo! (1)"

This statement confused everybody. Wasn't she a girl? Why was she calling herself "Sailor Dude"? No one had any time to ponder this mystery as she leapt up in the air and high kicked Lord Montecupta in the face.

"AWK!"

The Super Shinobi, seeing no reason to hang around. Made themselves scarce, while Kamen hung around to watch Sailor Dude kick ass.

_I don't need to tell you who Sailor Dud is do I? If you haven't figured it out, you'llfind out next chapter. BWUAHAHAHA!_

1) Unfortunately I can't take credit for that line. It was thought up by the creator of Attack of the Evil TV and Attack of the Evil TV2.


	7. Chapter 7

I write the fanfics that make the whole world shake their heads.

The Shinobi's Guide to Sentai  
By Kaori

Kamen was very much enjoying the fight (and the wonderful way Sailor Dude's skirt moved when she went for those high kicks) when a low voice said, "You're ogling a guy you know." He jumped and looked over. There was a chibi in a panda suit (who looked like he wasn't getting enough sleep) sitting next to him.

"Woah, seriously?" Kamen asked. The chibi nodded, green eyes showing no emotion whatsoever. "That explains the name then. My name's Kamen, I'm a Spirit Guide!"

"Sexual Harassment Panda. (1) I'm supposed to lend him moral support and fend of overzealous villains." Sighed the chibi Kamen actually seemed confused by that.

"Huh? What do you mean? Aren't all villains overzealous?"

"YEEEEEEEK! GET YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM THERE YOU PERVERT!" screamed Sailor Dude. Sexual Harassment Panda looked at Kamen and would have raised an eyebrow if he had any.

"Oh, I get it now." Nodded Kamen.

"AIIYEEEE!" shrieked Sailor Dude.

"Please excuse me." Sighed Sexual Harassment Panda, and he went to lend his friend some assistance. "Stop that! You're making me a very sad panda!"

Several explosions and high heels in places that normally (under non-yaoi and BDSM circumstances) go unmolested later, Sailor Dude and Sexual Harassment Panda stood triumphant over the bodies of their victims.

"Have…mercy…" groaned Lord Montecupta.

"There will be no mercy for swine!" was Sailor Dude's indignant response, as he/she brandished a scepter. "DIVINE PUNISHMENT!"

Divine Punishment was simply Sailor Dude bludgeoning the villains with the scepter…over and over and over again until there was nothing left but a bloody mess.

"You have been cleansed! May your spirits rest in peace as your bodies rest in pieces!" Sailor Dude said solemnly.

"I don't see how all this blood and gore could possibly be called a "cleansing."" Drawled Sexual Harassment Panda.

"SILENCE!" barked Sailor Dude. "Our work here is done so we must vanish like mist in the morning!"

"Whatever." The duo ran off leaving Kamen to clean up the mess.

"Say cheese!" he grinned at those who had decided to hang around and watch. There was a bright flash of light and everyone was wondering why they were standing around in the middle of the street.

Neji sighed and scowled at the Kaiju scroll hoping against all hope that it would spontaneously combust. Unfortunately he promised to protect the damn thing so he couldn't burn it, even if it _would_ solve all of his problems.

He couldn't shake the feeling that he'd met this Sailor Dude person before and for the life of him he couldn't seem to figure out where. Every time he tried to remember something else would pop up in his mind and distract him. (2)

"Neji! Where are you?" Hanabi's voice echoed through the hallway. "It's time for our tea party!"

"Kuso…" hissed Neji, gathering up the scroll and escaping out the window to go hide at TenTen's place.

Meanwhile, Naruto was having problems of his own. He'd woken up in the park feeling like he'd been in a fight and the nagging sensation that he was forgetting something. He'd asked the Kyuubi what had happened but his only response was snickering and a song; something about moonlight destiny (3) or some such nonsense. And as if things weren't crazy enough…

"Gaara? Why are you here?"

"I don't know. The last thing I remember is Kankuro and Temari arguing over who was supposed to pay the cable bill."

"Well, since you're here, do you want to get ramen?"

"…Okay."

Up in a tree, Dakki surveyed her handiwork with pride. "They said I couldn't create a Magical Girl using a boy. They said I was a madwoman! Well, I may be a madwoman but I'm a madwoman who's RIGHT! AHAHAHAHAHAA! Soon, my army of Magical Transvestites will overrun this world! Just as soon as I figure out how to get them to stop fighting for justice and crap like that…" (4)

In the flying fortress, a dark figure with glowing red eyes glared at a crystal ball.

"I told him not to use language like that, it attracts heroes (5)." Muttered the figure, before pushing the crystal ball to the side. "LADY AMYO MAMA!" A fat woman in a gray opera dress dropped from the ceiling causing the floor to shake. "How many times have I told you not to do that?"

"Sorry Your Highness." Bowed Lady Amyo Mama. "What is your desire?"

"I want those Super Shinobi eliminated."

"What of the magical girl? Sailor Dude, was it?"

"Sailor Dude was merely a cameo, she does not concern me. Get rid of those Super Shinobi and bring me the scroll. Succeed and you will be given twenty-five percent share in our insurance company. Fail and you will die."

"I will not fail you, Emperor Aflac!"

"See that you don't."

Lady Amyo Mama gave a sweeping bow and disappeared into the shadows.

"Now, let's see who's on Oprah…"

The next day started out pretty normal. Gai and his team ran wind sprints around the village as Gai and Lee extolled on The Power of Youth, Shino and his team did missions (Kiba: DAMN THIS CAT! I'LL KILL 'IM!, Hinata: Kiba-kun, you can't do that or we'll fail the mission. Kiba: DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT! Shino: …you've scared away the target. Again.), and everyone else was getting on with their business (and in some people's case, getting on with giving people the business). Yes, everything was as normal as it gets in a village full of ninjas. Which is why none of you will be surprised to know that all that is going to change right about….

KABOOM!

…now.

A swarm of beetles, each one easily the size of a minivan, stormed the village and started devouring everything.

"THE VILLAGE IS UNDER ATTACK!"

"WHAT _ARE_ THOSE THINGS?"

"SOMEBODY TELL THE HOKAGE!"

Said woman was threatening not to do anything until she had something of the alcoholic persuasion to drink, and since Shizune said she'd needle anyone who brought the Hokage sake…

"WE'RE DOOMED!"

"YES! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR PATHETIC LIVES!" cheered Lady Amyo Mama from her seat atop the largest beetle (which was about half as tall as Gamabunta). "YOUR HOMEOWNER'S INSURANCE DOES NOT COVER INSECT ATTACKS AND WE SHALL KEEP YOUR MONEY! AHAHAHAHA!"

"YOU FIEND!" yelled an incensed jounin, because someone has to yell these sorts of things. "YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH IT! Erk…" Faster than he could blink, the Dynascavenger General had her hand around his neck, long nails digging into the flesh.

"And just who is going to stop me?" she purred.

"UNHAND HIM! IN THE NAME OF YOUTH!"

A slow, sinister smirk edged its way across Lady Amyo Mama's face. Standing directly behind her were four spandex-clad figures (two of which were trying not to strangle the one in green).

"Ah, Super Shinobi so nice of you to come. I offer you this choice: either you surrender the scroll and die quickly or you can attempt to defeat me and die a slow, agonizingly painful yet visually appealing death."

"How about the third option, we keep the scroll and kill you instead?" snarled Super Shinobi White.

"That is your delusional version of option one, so no." the Dynascavenger General. "D-Beetles! Attack!" Nothing happened. "I SAID ATTACK!" Still nothing. "WHY AREN'T YOU ATTACKING?"

"So you see, she has you doing all the work and yet you have to content yourselves with eating rubbish." Super Shinobi Black was standing off to the side talking to the largest beetle, who seemed to be agreeing with him.

"WHAT IS THIS?" screeched Lady Amyo Mama.

"I was simply explaining Worker Beetle's Rights to Okyu here." Super Shinobi Black said quietly. "As part of the Insect Union it is my duty to let him know his options and the benefits of joining the union."

"You _unionized_ my beetles?"

"Good job." Said Super Shinobi White, impressed.

The beetles had stopped devouring the village and were now leaving of their own volition.

"Stop this foolishness immediately! I command you!" shrieked Lady Amyo Mama. None of the beetles paid any heed. "Super Shinobi…you will pay for this…"

"Hmph. Idle threats tubby." Snorted S-Pink.

"Oh really?" a swirling darkness crept up the Super Shinobi's legs and started pulling them into what should have been solid ground.

"What the hell is this?" gasped S-White.

"I can't move!" yelled S-Green.

"Neither can I." S-Black struggled.

"AHAHAHA! You may have unionized my beetles but I don't need them to deal with you!" crowed the general. "My Dark Miasma will swallow you whole and slowly drain your life energy! And the best part is, all that energy is siphoned to me, making me stronger!"

"You fiend!" S-Green wheezed.

"Yes! Struggle! Despair! And know that no one can save you now!"

"Who are you calling "no one?"" a voice called out. Everyone looked up…

_Yet another cliffhanger because I'm sick and I'm going to lose consciousness any moment now (J feel like all the blood in my body decided to settle in my legs). Special credit for this chapter goes to Andrew Joshua Talon and all of you reviewers who asked for a cute, furry sidefic. Hmm hmm hmm…hmm hmm hmm…MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!_

1) South Park! You guys wanted a furry sidekick… Be careful when you ask for things from a crackfic author.

2) It is a law of anime that despite the magical girl looking identical to her everyday persona, _nobody _(except maybe another magical girl) recognizes her. My friends and I have a theory that this is a side effect of the magical girl's outfit.

3) Moonlight Destiny is the ending theme to the Sailor Moon S movie.

4) The return of Dakki the Witch from The Shinobi's Guide to Accursed Heirlooms!

5) Bowdlerized line from Bob and George.

6) Air Gear!


	8. Chapter 8

_We'll set close to one another,_  
_Up one street and down the other,  
We'll have a time, oh brother,  
Settin' the woods on fire_

The Shinobi's Guide to Sentai  
By Kaori

When we last left our hapless heroes they were staring stupidly up at the buildings. Well, that's not an entirely accurate statement as Shino is physically incapable of looking stupid without being on drugs.

"Who's there? Show yourselves!" Lady Amyo Mama demanded.

"We're right up here!" a voice yelled back.

"We can't see you." S-Green said.

"Oh, sorry." another voice called. Two heads, one wearing a red ninja hood and the other a blue ninja hood, appeared over the side of the building behind Amyo Mama. "Is that better?"

"Much, thanks!"

"Idiots…" groaned S-White.

"If we're so stupid how come you're the ones that got captured?" snapped S-Red. S-Blue smacked him upside the head. "Ow! What was that for?"

"You're not supposed to taunt your allies!"

"But I thought I was supposed to be the asshole-ish one?"

"No, no, that's _his_ job." S-Blue pointed to S-White.

"HEY!" protested S-White.

"Oh hush, you know it's true!"

"Hello! Attention back to me now!" glared Lady Amyo Mama. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm still killing your friends here!" S-Blue and S-Red managed to look sheepish.

"FLASH REFRAIN!" S-Red waved his arm causing a spear of fire to shoot through the air. Amyo Mama, with a dexterity unusual for her size, deftly dodged out of the way. S-Blue wasn't going to let her relax though.

"HUNTING SLASH CYCLE!" A cyclone appeared and rushed through the street, seemingly chasing Amyo Mama as she frantically tried to get out of the way. As a side effect, the miasma was also sucked away, allowing the other four Super Shinobi to move.

"We're free!" cheered S-Green.

"I hadn't noticed." Deadpanned S-Pink. "Let's send that fat lady flying!"

"Combine your attacks and defeat her!" a disembodied voice said.

"Kamen? Where are you hiding?" S-White looked around.

"I'm at home watching the Young and the Shurikenless." Kamen replied. "Mirei's long lost twin sister who had previously been in a coma in a desert hospital has just revealed that she is actually a man and has been secretly cutting off pieces of Mirei's hair so he could finally have enough to cover his premature balding."

"Oh please, like nobody saw that coming. It was so obvious from the beginning." Snorted S-Red, causing everyone to look at him funny.

"I've had just about enough of you Super Shinobi! Now die!" Lady Amyo Mama charged towards them, angrily.

"Now! Do it now!" yelled Kamen.

"SUPER SHINOBI WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ATTACK!" yelled the Super shinobi (with the noted exception of S-Black much to Kamen's disappointment). The Dynascavenger General stopped in her tracks and stared in abject horror at the obscenely large, glowing katamari that was barreling towards her. Unable to get out of the way, she was completely swallowed up in it and twenty-seconds later, it exploded impressively in a burst of orange light.

The resulting mushroom cloud could be seen all the way in Rai no Kuni.

"We won!" cheered S-Green and S-Red, posing. S-Pink and S-Blue smacked them both upside the head.

"What the hell was that?" blinked S-White, still not sure what had just happened or why. "And who the hell are you?" he pointed at S-Blue and S-Red accusingly.

"You guys first!" demanded S-Red. Needing no further excuse to get out of the ridiculous Super Shinobi uniforms (with the exception of S-Green who was a little sad about it) the four original Super Shinobi de-transformed.

"Ha! I _told_ you the one in white was Neji! You owe me five hundred ryou!" S-Blue said smugly to S-Red.

"Yeah, yeah…" grumbled S-Red. Both de-transformed into…

"Ino-san and Kiba-san?" blinked Lee. Shino looked annoyed but then again that could be because he was missing The Young and the Shurikenless.

"Yeah!" nodded Kiba. "This guy who said he was dead gave me this cool red crystal and then he told me to find Ino and give her this blue one."

"Had I known it wasn't just a pretty fashion accessory I'd never have taken it." Grumbled Ino. "Spandex is so 1980's."

"How can you say that! Spandex is forever!" cried Lee.

"I'm going home." Said TenTen, before Lee could really go into a rant.

"I'll walk you there." Neji said hurriedly. Not wanting to go straight home with Hanbi jonesing for a tea party. Damned if he'd put that bonnet on again.

Nothing interesting happened for three days, much to everyone's relief. Predictably everyone but the Hokage and the Super Shinobi had forgotten about the mass destruction that surely must have happened but nobody could prove it if they tried.

"When the toters come to your party, they will cause you plenty of stress. 'Cause before your party half over, you ain' gon' have nothing left! (1)" Naruto sang happily on his way to meet his team for training.

"Psst…psst…"

Naruto stopped walking and looked around. Seeing no one, he shrugged and continued on his way.

"PSSSSSST!"

Again Naruto stopped to look around and again saw no one. Once more he started walking.

"HEY YOU IN THE KILL-ME ORANGE JUMPSUIT! OVER HERE!" This time when Naruto looked there was a hand waving frantically at him from a dark alley.

Having no real reason _not_ to look, Naruto walked over to the darkened alley and was immediately pulled into it.

People passing by the area heard scuffling, swearing, and a chicken clucking before everything went quiet. Then Uzumaki Naruto walked out of the alley, dusted his clothes off and went on his merry way.

Or did he?

_What foul plot is afoot? You'll have to wait until the next episode!_

1) "Toters" is one of the latest social commentary songs in the Bahamas (the last really good one was Civil Servants and that was almost banned because the civil servants in question got annoyed). Everybody loves it because it's true, but at the same time most people would never admit to being a toter. A toter is a person that goes to social events and parties, and then takes foil-covered plates of food home with them for themselves and other people. Toters are also known to take six-packs of soda, bottles of beer and wine, and the occasional gallon bottle of homemade fruit punch.


	9. Chapter 9

Would you like some more cheese for your corn? Here you go!

The Shinobi's Guide to Sentai  
By Kaori

"It's so obvious that I'm the leader! I've got the red costume and everything." Kiba said to Shino as they walked together. The other boy was either ignoring him or lost in thought, Kiba liked to think it was the latter because he and Shino were best friends and friends don't ignore each other; poor delusional Kiba. "And I've got the spikiest hair so it's only natural that I be leader!"

Shino nodded imperceptibly. It made things easier. Akamaru, riding in the hood of Kiba's jacket, just listened to his master prattle on; dogs are generally agreeable creatures so he didn't feel the need to correct Kiba's assumption. Instead he yawned and snuggled closer to Kiba's neck.

Sakura came running up to them looking beyond pissed.

"Hey! Have either of you guys seen Naruto?" she half asked, half demanded.

"What? No we haven't seen that knucklehead. You're his teammate, shouldn't you know where he is?" snorted Kiba.

"He was supposed to meet us on the bridge but he never showed up. Sasuke's looking for Kakashi-sensei since he didn't show up either."

"Did it ever occur to either of you that you might not having training today?"

"We weren't meeting for training, we were going to spend the day together!"

"Maybe they're avoiding you. I'm surprised they hadn't decided to ditch you sooner. Sasuke has the personality of a block of ice and you're a horrid bitch ninety-nine percent of the time (1)."

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?" Sakura pummeled him for about twenty minutes and then stomped off in search of her wayward teammate.

"Women…" Kiba groaned.

Elsewhere, Gai and his team were on their way to the Hokage Tower to collect their first mission of the day.

"Ah! Truly the Flames of Youth is with me today! I am certain that we will get two…no! FIVE C-Rank missions today!" Gai enthused.

"What nonsense is he speaking?" hissed Neji. "There's no way we could complete five C-Rank missions in one day."

"He never said anything about completing them, just that we'd get them." TenTen pointed out.

"That doesn't make it any less ludicrous." He gave a furtive look and then stepped closer to Lee. "Is it safe?" Lee nodded.

"I hid it where no one would think to look for it."

"Good."

About seven blocks away…

"Do you have the scroll?"

"Yes master, some doofus stuck it up in a tree. The squirrels gave me a little bit of trouble but not for long."

"Excellent my minion. You know what to do now."

"As you command, Lord Aflac."

Sakura didn't find Naruto but she did trip over Kakashi who had passed out in the middle of the street underneath an advertisement for Icha Icha Violence 2: The Revenge of Mariko (in fairness to Kakashi, this particular billboard _was_ rather racy and really should not have been put up in full view of children). After several futile attempts at reviving him, most of which involved kicking, she ended up dragging his body to the hospital.

"Now all I have to do is find Naruto." sighed Sakura, glaring at the world in general. "I've checked Ichiraku's at least seven times and Ayame said he hasn't been there all day. Where could he have gone?"

The answer to her question would have to wait. Somebody shouted "KAI" and the whole world seemed to shake. Predictably people started panicking. Immediately the ANBU were all over the village trying to figure out what was causing the disturbance. Inside the Hokage Tower, Gai's team got the feeling they already knew.

"Lee…" Neji said with all the patience of Buddha. "just where did you hide the scroll?"

"I put it up in the tree for my squirrel friends to guard!" Lee said, seeing absolutely nothing wrong with that statement. TenTen and Neji looked at each other, nodded, and simultaneously punched their teammate in the head.

"If we get through this alive I'm going to jyuuken you from here to the next millennium!" Neji swore.

"Excuse us Gai-sensei." TenTen apologized. She and Neji both grabbed one of Lee's arms and ran out of the building.

"Ah, youth…" sighed Gai. "Be careful!" he called after them.

Moments later, all six Super Shinobi were standing on top of the Hokage Monument; the shaking was getting increasingly worse and the sky seemed to be darkening. An old man suddenly popped up behind them.

"IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!"

"Who the hell are you?" demanded S-Red.

"Jiromaru the Prophet!" the old man declared.

"Whatever. This is our scene, go away." Said S-White.

"No. I'm going to stay right here and declare the Apocalypse." Pouted Jiromaru.

"Fine, we'll just go somewhere else." Sighed S-Blue.

"But then who will listen to my prophesying?" the old man was whining now.

"That's your problem." S-Pink said, and all six Super Shinobi disappeared.

In the forest outside the village the shaking was much more pronounced and if anyone had bothered to look they'd see a very familiar looking person in an orange jump suit. He was pouring chakra into the scroll like it was going out of style.

"Soon…very soon…" he muttered.

"Hey you there! Stop!" Enter the Super Shinobi.

"Why should I?" The person turned to look at them.

"Naruto?" gasped S-Red.

"What the hell are you doing?" screeched S-Blue.

"Put the scroll down Naruto, we don't want to hurt you." Said S-White. Naruto, narrowed his eyes.

"Dear me, it seems I have been discovered." Naruto's voice was mocking. "I suppose there's no chance of you letting me finish is there?"

"Of course not!" S-Blue yelled.

"Oh well… You can't blame me for trying. You seem to be rather familiar with the owner of this body… he'd probably be against me killing you but I can't have you ruining Lord Aflac's plans."

"Wait, you mean you're not Naruto?" asked S-Green.

"Good heavens no. I am Lord Opus of the Dynascavenger Empire." He gave a sweeping bow.

"You're a freaking body snatcher is what you are!" yelled S-Red.

"How rude. If it makes you feel any better once I've used up the energy in this body I'll go back to my own. Of course, your friend here will be dead but it's a small price to pay for a promotion and an office with a view."

"Despicable fiend! You won't get away with this!" seethed S-White.

"But I already have…" Lord Opus in Naruto's body gave a sickening smile. "RISE! RAHEROD OF THE VOID!"

Inside Naruto's head…

"Zzzzzzzz…." Snored Naruto, completely oblivious to the fact that his chakra was being siphoned off at an alarming rate.

"BAKA! WAKE UP! WAKE UP OR WE'RE BOTH GOING TO DIE!" raged Kyuubi. "ARGH! HOW CAN HE SLEEP AT A TIME LIKE THIS? Wait a minute…if he's asleep in here that means I can…" and the demon started leaking chakra into Naruto's system.

In the outside world, Naruto's body had collapsed to the ground in a smoking heap. Lord Opus, whose real body had been in a nearby tree, looked very pleased with himself. A swirling black vortex appeared in the sky above, seeming to draw all light towards it. The ground had not stopped shaking.

"Something's coming out." S-Black pointed.

The sky went black as a massive beast crashed to the ground and let out a mighty roar. It had the tail of a lobster, the rear legs were those of a horse while the front legs and head were that of a lion's. Two horns protruded from its forehead. The monster was black with the exception of its wide, red eyes, and yellowed fangs.

"BEHOLD THE GLORIOUSNESS OF RAHEROD!" Lord Opus declared with glee. Said monster turned around and looked at him. "RAHEROD! GREAT BEAST OF THE VOID, I COMMAND YOU TO…" he didn't get to finish as he was promptly stomped flat by Raherod.

"Well, that was unexpected." Deadpanned S-White. Raherod gave another loud roar and seemed to look directly at the Super Shinobi. "Oh shit, RUN!"

As our heroes fled in terror they were joined by their ditzy spirit guide.

"Hey guys, why are we runni…HOLY SHIT WHAT DID YOU DO?"

"It's not our fault that Lee no baka thought that a squirrel would make a good scroll guardian." Hissed S-Pink.

"I'm sorry!" wailed S-Green. "When this is over, I shall run around Konoha on my hands a thousand times, and if I cannot do that, I shall clean every window in the village with a toothbrush. Should I fail in that I will…"

"Enough already!" yelled S-Red. "What's done is done, what we need to figure out is how to stop that monster!"

"Oh you have more than that to worry about." Said Kamen.

"What do you mean?" S-Black asked askance.

"Well, now that Raherod has been released it's only a matter of time before the other four monsters wake up. And if that happens it's all over."

"Then we'll just have to put Raherod back into the scroll!" S-Red said, determined. Kamen shook his head.

"It's not that simple. You'd need a ridiculous amount of energy to seal him. It took four sets of Super Shinobi to do it the last time. Come to think of it, how did he get out in the first place? It shouldn't be possible." S-Blue filled him in. "Wow, it's a shame your friend's dead. If he had that kind of power we could have used him to destroy the scroll and avoid this whole mess." This got S-White's attention.

"Wait, you mean we could've destroyed the scroll?"

"Well, no,_ you_ couldn't but your friend could've. You see, that scroll can't be destroyed by ordinary means. It takes a tremendous amount of energy that you just don't have. But since your friend's dead we'll have to seal Raherod up the hard way."

The hard way involved summoning all six of their beasts to weaken Raherod enough for Kamen to use up the last of his power to seal him in the scroll.

"Though this will make me even more dead than I am now, if it's for the good of the universe I will gladly make the sacrifice." Kamen said solemnly.

"Oh Kamen-san!" cried S-Green.

"Let's do this quickly. I can't wait to be rid of you. Said S-White.

"Neji!"

"Don't call me by my real name!"

"The village has been evacuated, no one's around to hear." Snorted S-Blue.

"Hey, get ready, here comes the monster." S-Pink snapped.

"KUCHIYOSE NO JUTSU!" five voices chorused. There were six plumes of smoke and out of it came a black beetle, a green flying turtle, a pink elephant, a white cat, a blue hawk, and...

"AKAMARU?" gaped S-Red. The dog was about as big as Gamabunta and just as red.

"WOOF!" barked Akamaru.

"Well, now I've seen everything." Muttered S-Blue, looking over at the gigantic dog. "Hey! He's slobbering all over my family's flower shop!"

"Akamaru does not slobber!" S-Red protested.

"Would you two pay attention! Raherod is almost here!" snapped S-White.

"Hey, you can't order me around, I'm the leader!"

"Since when?"

"I'm wearing red aren't I? Didn't you ever watch Ultra Mega Shiny Ranger as a kid?"

"You watched UMSR too?" squealed S-Green. "The Green Shiny Ranger was my favorite!"

"Red Shiny Ranger was much cooler!"

"Green!"

"Red!"

"Green!"

"Red!"

"GUYS! FOCUS!" yelled S-Pink.

"Sorry…" mumbled S-Green and Red, secretly vowing to finish the argument later.

They stood atop their summoned beasts, watching as Raherod stomped his way into the village.

"ATTACK!"

_Well there's only one more chapter to go in this cheesy saga. I'm sure Neji will be happy. I've managed to keep Sasuke out of this story completely but can I get away with it for one more chapter?_

1) Line stolen from Naruto: The Abridged Series.


	10. Chapter 10

Kaori: (nailing boards to the door as someone desperately bangs on it) RACK OFF!

???: LET ME IN!

Kaori: NO! GO AWAY YOU BASTARD!

???: DAMN YOU I SAID LET ME IN!

Kaori: AND I KEEP TELLING YOU NO!

???: YOU CAN'T KEEP ME OUT FOREVER!

Kaori: (to herself) I don't have to keep you out "forever" just until the end of this chapter.

The Shinobi's Guide to Sentai  
By Kaori

The battle was not going well. The Super Shinobi were managing to keep Raherod from coming any further into the village proper, but the hits they were scoring on the monster weren't doing as much damage as they'd hoped. Worse still Raherod was scoring some incredibly damaging hits on them.

"It's not working!" yelled Ino.

"Aim for the parts that are already damaged!" Neji called back. "We can't give up yet! This is our home and I'm not going to let some monster destroy it!"

If anybody noticed Neji's sudden passion they didn't say anything, too preoccupied with staying alive and keeping Raherod from advancing.

They struggled for what seemed like hours until finally…

"RRRROOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRR!" Raherod started to fall.

"WE DID IT!" cheered Lee, who somehow summoned up enough energy to dance like an idiot atop his turtle.

"Kid…don't do that…" said the mortified turtle.

"KAMEN! DO IT NOW!" Kiba yelled.

Kamen, who up until this point had appeared to be meditating but had actually fallen asleep, woke up. Taking quick stock of the situation he took a deep breath.

"All right, this is it. I know we weren't together for very long, and Neji seems to hate me for some reason, but I am truly glad to have met you all. I'm going to miss…"

"SHUT UP! GO DIE NOW!" screamed Neji.

"Geez, there goes all that beautiful dramatic tension..."

Kamen seemed to fade away for a moment before bursting into a ball of pure, white light. The light then separated into streams that enveloped Raherod; he roared in protest and thrashed about before slowly starting to become incorporeal.

"It's working!" said TenTen.

"NO! NOT WHEN I WAS SO CLOSE! I WON'T ALLOW IT!" a voice boomed from everywhere and no where at once. The Super Shinobi looked around frantically trying to find the source.

"WHO SAID THAT?" Kiba demanded.

The sky above their heads appeared to crack and shatter and a lone figure clothed in regal robes and carrying an oversized mace appeared. Dark brown hair cascaded down his back and he was wearing the most ridiculous visor anyone had ever seen.

"You Super Shinobi have gotten in my way for the last time."

"And just who are you?" challenged TenTen.

"Fool! I am Lord Aflac, Ruler of the Dynascavenger Empire, and I offer you a choice:"

"Let me guess," snorted Kiba. "we join you or die, right?"

"Ah, you have done this before."

"No, it's just the most overused bad guy line in the world is all."

"And in answer to your unasked question," Shino said coolly. "no."

"No you won't join or no you won't die?" asked Lord Aflac.

"Both." And the Super Shinobi attacked. Lord Aflac seemed unsurprised.

"Have it your way…" and he took out a talisman from the inside of his coat. "RAHEROD! TO ME!"

The sound that followed was so loud everyone thought they had gone deaf, but when it finally stopped Kamen's light had been completely dispelled and Raherod's ethereal form had transformed into a stream of darkness that was engulfing Lord Aflec.

"What's happening?" Ino yelled, unsure if anyone could actually hear her.

"They are merging." Said Shino.

"Dammit! This is bad! We can't handle them combined!" wailed TenTen. "And Kamen's gone now so there's no way we can seal it up in the scroll!"

When the merger was complete, Lord Aflac seemed unchanged but on closer inspection you could see Raherod's horns and eyes; the visor having shattered mid-transformation.

"Now then," the newly formed Aflachod said slowly. "I think it's high time I got rid of you."

With no power left, and the power in their summons slowly becoming nil, the Super Shinobi prepared for the end.

"Lee…" Neji said solemnly. "I just want you to know that I blame you for this."

KRAKOW! Lightning struck between them and Lord Aflec. The Dynascavenger leader whipped his head around.

"Who dares…"

"Mendokuse." A lazy voice drawled from behind the confused Super Shinobi.

"SHIKAMARU?" gasped Ino. Said boy waved a hand lazily.

"Don't forget about us!" a cheerful voice called from their right.

"CHOUJI? HINATA?" Chouji grinned and saluted and Hinata just looked embarrassed.

"And the gang's all here!" Another voice called from their left.

"NARUTO?"

Standing atop the rubble of what used to be a bakery, were a completely healthy Naruto and a boy they didn't recognize. The stranger's hair and eyes were bright red, which was all you could see of his head as the rest of his face was covered by a thick, white scarf and he was wearing a black shirt and pants. From what they could see of his eyes, he was very annoyed.

"You guys take a rest." Naruto said, doing the Nice Guy Pose. "We'll take it from here!"

"Brat…" said the red-haired boy. "if we're both alive when this is over I'm going to ensure that you'll regret ever dragging me into this mess."

One Hour Prior…

"Ooowww…" moaned Naruto, as he sat up. "What the…what am I doing in the forest? And why do I feel like I got run over by Sasuke's fangirls."

"**Brat**..."

"Kyuubi. I should have known this was your fault."

"**You idiot I just saved your life! If it weren't for me you'd be making singing with the choir invisible right now!**"

"More like you saved your own hide and I'm just extra baggage."

"**Hmph… It's your own fault you stupid, ungrateful human. If you weren't such a weak imbecile I wouldn't have had to save your miserable life. Honestly, who goes into a dark alley alone?**"

"Geez, can't you lay off the insults for once?"

"Um, excuse me…" a voice said behind Naruto. He jumped. He had been talking aloud because he thought there was no one else in the forest but unfortunately he wasn't as alone (relatively speaking of course) as he thought he was. "I'm afraid there's been a bit of a mix-up and I need your help."

"Mix-up?" asked Naruto, turning around slowly to face the person. To his surprise, it wasn't so much a person as it was a dog-sized seagull (1).

"Yeah, see you don't remember but there have been a lot of attacks by an evil organization that really shouldn't exist here. There was an accident in my world involving a tachyon generator and a ham and cheese on rye with mayonnaise and the resulting explosion caused the dimensions to align for a split second (2), but really that's all it takes for..." noticing Naruto's glazed expression, the seagull decided to rethink its approach. "Er…long story short, all this stuff that's been happening wasn't supposed to happen here and I need your help to put everything back where it's supposed to go before my boss finds out and fires me."

Ten minutes later Naruto and the seagull had rounded up Hinata, Shikamaru, and Chouji and were standing in a clearing in a loose circle.

"Oh, this won't work. There're four of you." Said the seagull.

"What do you mean?" asked Shikamaru.

"The rules clearly state that a group needs at least three but no more than five heroes one of which must be female or, if male, have a pretty but fragile and/or annoying love interest. Since the girl here doesn't fit any of the latter two descriptions we can't leave her behind. Getting rid of one of you boys is right out because none of you are handsome enough to be the designated pretty boy, and none of you are emo enough to be the brooding bastard.. We need a fifth." The seagull zeroed in on Naruto. "You! Come over here with me."

"Huh?" blinked the blonde as he was dragged off into the trees.

Confused but not wanting to go back to the village and hide with everyone else, Hinata, Chouji (bag of chips in hand), and Shikamaru waited for Naruto and the seagull to come back. They didn't wait long and it seemed that the seagull had found someone to assist them; a red-headed boy who was introduced simply is K.

"Let me just say," said the red-head. "that I am doing this under extreme protest."

"Point taken and noted." Said the seagull. "Now I'm giving you each a temporary sentai pass." He handed each of them a small pin. "Press the button and you'll transform; you'll know what to do after that. Oh, and once the job is completed your passes will disintegrate and you will have absolutely no memory of any of this happening..."

"Fine by me." Grunted K.

"Except for you K. Due to your...unique nature I'll be unable to erase this from your memories but given your circumstances it won't matter."

"Damn."

(: Wow that was a long-ass flashback!

LOUD SHATTERING NOISE

Kaori: What the hell… Naruto! You broke the Fourth Wall! Do you have any idea how much it costs to fix that? (3)

Naruto: Sorry?

Kaori: Not yet but you're gonna be…)

Naruto and the others stood between the Super Shinobi and Aflechod.

"You guys ready?" Naruto asked his friends (and demon). They nodded.

All five pressed the small pin on their chest and…

"TRANSFORM!"

Naruto, the stranger, Shikamaru, Hinata, and Chouji were obscured from view respectively in red, black, blue, purple, and green colored-smoke. When it cleared they were all dressed in kimonos in the corresponding color (with the exception of Hinata who was wearing a short cheongsam). Naruto and the boy in black had swords at their hips; Shikamaru was holding a bo staff, Chouji had a gigantic club, and Hinata had a pair of large rings (do a Google Image Search for Shun Shang Xian if you want a reference).

"You picked the wrong village to mess with!" Naruto pointed at Aflechod.

"Pah! You cannot fathom the kind of power I now have. To me you are nothing more than flies to swat."

"HEY! DON'T LUMP ME IN WITH THESE…MMPH!" K (Kyuubi in human guise for those of you who are slow on the uptake) had started to yell but was cut off by Naruto covering his mouth.

"Stupid furball, do you want everybody to find out what you are?" hissed Naruto.

"What does it matter, the seagull said you humans won't remember this anyway." Glared K.

"That's not the point…" Both of them suddenly felt the need to be somewhere else and jumped high into the air, just in time to avoid being incinerated. Aflachod looked annoyed.

"You dare ignore me? For that you shall die!" he raised his hands. "Void Orb!"

Another blast hurled towards the ground but this time they were prepared. Hinata jumped in front of them and held both rings so that they formed the symbol for infinity.

"MANDALA WHEEL BARRIER!" she pushed her hands out, causing the rings to hover around her wrists before they spun rapidly. A gigantic mandala appeared in front of her, effectively creating a shield that the orb exploded against.

Wasting no time, Naruto and K leapt around the barrier attacking Aflachod head on.while Shikamaru and Chouji attacked from the rear.

"You disappoint me…" drawled Aflechod, putting up a barrier of his own and effectively knocking his four attackers to the ground. "I tire of these games. Time to end it." And before anybody could protest or say anything witty, Aflechod suddenly grew until he was the same size as Raherod had been initially. "Aah…much better…"

"Well…we're screwed now." Said Kiba.

"Heh, haven't you learned not to underestimate me by now dog-boy?" snorted Naruto. He turned to Shikamaru. "Do you want to do the honors?"

"It's too troublesome (and embarrassing), you do it." Said the lazy boy, leaning on his bo.

"Tsk…you're no fun."

"Just get on with it." Growled K.

"All right… all right…COME FORTH, DEUS EX MACHINA!"

"WHAT?" yelled Aflechod, looking around for the giant robot that would undoubtedly emerge. He was disappointed when one didn't show up. "Feh…a useless bluff. Now, prepare to die…" As he prepared to blast those below him, the sky turned dark once again. "What now?" A giant hand burst through the black clouds and grabbed onto Aflechod (think FLCL). "NO! UNHAND ME! I AM ALL POWERFUL!" He thrashed and cursed as he was dragged into the cloud cover.

KRAKOOOM! A bright flash and then the sky cleared.

"Well, that was anticlimactic." Said Neji.

"Hey, what happened to my costume?" wailed Lee. Everyone suddenly noticed that they were back in their normal clothing, although they were all quite dirty. No one except Lee seemed too upset about this.

"N…Naruto-kun…" Hinata said quietly. "There's something I've a…always wanted t..to tell you."

"Huh? What is it Hinata?" Naruto turned to face the shy girl.

"Well…I…you see…"

"HINATA! THAT THING YOU DID WAS SO COOL!" Kiba suddenly appeared behind her and slapped her on the back, effectively knocking her into Naruto. Predictably…

Chu! (4) THUMP! Hinata fainted.

"Wow…that was a lot better than the last time that happened." Naruto said dazedly. (5)

"Naruto you masher, you…" teased TenTen.

"No! It was an accident!"

"You mean you didn't enjoy it?" Ino decided to join in.

Fortunately for Naruto (and unfortunately for Hinata) the seagull showed up carrying what looked like a flag and wearing a referee's whistle around its neck.

"All right, that will be enough." He said waving the flag. "I have to get everything back to the way it was before."

"Wait a minute! There's something I need to know…" Neji started to say.

"No time, no time." He blew the whistle.

Kyuubi fumed, back in his confinement within the seal. True to his word, once the seagull blew the whistle and…there weren't really any adequate words to describe what happened next but it involved a lot of sound effects, flashing lights, and some guy named Stephen Hawking.

The seagull had been right. Nobody remembered a thing about what happened and, to all appearances it seemed like nothing had. Every once and a while there would be little hints; like Tsunade looking out her window and frowning or Neji twitching more than usual whenever he sees white spandex material.

Things were finally back to normal. But how long will they stay that way? The rabbit hole of depravity is deep...

_Thus ends this story and hopefully I haven't caused anyone any serious trouble.(i.e. laughing too hard in class and at work; you know who you are) or injury (those of you who read my fanfictions while eating or in other disadvantageous positions even though you should know better by now)._

And now for something completely different…

SASUKE: HA! I MADE IT! I'M IN THE STORY! IN YOUR FACE!

KAORI: You're a day late and a penny short Sasuke.

SASUKE: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

KAORI: Heh…Sasuke zip, me two thousand.

1) This is a bit of homage to my cousin's Cockeyed Man-Eating Seagull Rant (which is really his threat to genetically engineer a flock of cockeyed man-eating seagulls and set them loose on the unsuspecting public).

2) Ah how I do love scifi techno-babble.

3) I didn't want to put a boring "End Flashback" here.

4) This is the Japanese onomatopoeia for a kiss.

5) Naruto is referring to the infamous accidental kiss he had with Sasuke.


End file.
